Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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