you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
