sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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