Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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