Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
sarcasm needs its own font
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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