I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
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