your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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