I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
