she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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