Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My ass is underappreciated
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.