I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
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I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
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Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???