I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Small penises have feelings too.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.