I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Randomize
