my phone needs a breathalizer
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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