shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
