She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
