I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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