How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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