my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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