If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
