hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
