Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
