You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
