my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
