everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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