i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
