Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
