She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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