cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
