the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
