I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Randomize
