Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
