I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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