Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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