So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Did I show you my penis last night?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
