A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
