super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Randomize
