I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
