One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
