Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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