i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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