My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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