there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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