I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I believe in your delicious
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
