I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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