and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
