They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
