Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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