Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
