Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
