I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
