hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
