There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
