Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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