Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
