if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
