im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
