I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
