her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
