Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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