dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
then he tried to convert me to islam
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
